My narcissism
narcissismˈnɑːsɪsɪz(ə)m,nɑːˈsɪs-/noun
Yes, I'm a narcissist. It's not an excuse for anything. It's not even something one should be proud of (unless that person is Harvey Specter). It is a mere realisation after excessive introspection which was probably also fuelled by my narcissism.
However, things weren't always this way. I can remember a time, not so long ago, when I was sweet and caring. I wouldn't think entirely about others all the time but I balanced my interests enough with those of my peers. I always gave my seniors a lot of respect and I would try to help out my juniors if I could.
For better or for worse, there came a time in my life when I hit rock bottom at an emotional level. Unfortunately, the reasons for that are too personal and I shall not describe them. It is sufficient for you to understand that there was a point in my life when I felt extremely alone and terrible about myself. I wasn't happy with the way life had turned out at that point. In hindsight, (love the way Katherine says this word) it made me stronger and more resilient but at that moment, I felt extremely helpless and I didn't feel like I could turn to anyone for help either. It was a fight within and I was the only warrior.
In order to generate self belief, I forced myself into thinking good about myself. To fight the negative thoughts, I made a deliberate effort to have thoughts that made me feel better about myself. Some of these thoughts were nothing but truth twisted in a way that suited me. Others were purely imaginary (People from IIIT-Delhi: remember the "Sushi maniac" and "Sushi addict" theory?). This, I believe, was where my narcissism started.
All of this did help a lot to pull me out of the emotional hellhole that I had fallen into. With time, I did start feeling better. I did end up pushing myself to become a little more extrovert and social. I did end up feeling good about myself. Eventually, I started using this technique to push myself to feel above others. I ended up berating other people in my head who are probably much better than I can ever be as a person.
This feeling, combined with a selfish attitude to care about everything that's mine (read my previous blog) has eventually led to this new me who is nothing but a narcissist, self obsessed and self serving person. I've stopped caring about how things are unfair for others as long as I'm not on the short side of the stick. I cringe at the thought of a relationship as it would require me to care about someone that's not me. I am willing to shake the whole world around me for my convenience but not move an inch for someone else's convenience. I even write this blog about me!
Don't get me wrong. This is not self criticism or self loathing. I don't seek sympathy, understanding or any other response that may be appropriate. It's a mere realisation and a state of mind and it is still helping me. A lot of things are happening in my life and I do see my narcissism having a positive impact on them. There are a few things on which my narcissism has had a negative impact too. It probably needs fixing but right now, I'm not at that stage where I think it does.
However, I do hope that it changes. I do hope that with time, I'm able to get rid of it and turn in to a better person. I asked my ex (still a very good friend) if she thought I was a narcissist and her instant reply was "Yes. Lol." I know that if the trend continues, I might just end up becoming like Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol and I would hate to see that happen. We all wish to be cherished for our goods and be forgiven for our sins and I'm no different. Until that time comes, I'm going to work hard for myself without giving a damn to what others think of me.
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